Just Some Thoughts 001

I think I'm a perfectionist. But I haven't done any thorough research so this isn't a claim I make with any certainty or authority.

I keep waiting for an ephipany, lightning to strike, or a burning bush.

But I can't wait any longer. I mustn't. I have to rub my own damp and crappy sticks together to make a small ember, then fan the shit out of whatever sparks into something that can bring light and warmth.

Here are some of my first strikes:

1. When a sad or scary situation happen, I'm... fine. I become a bit robotic and eerily calm and am able to just focus on problem solving. If it's not a situation that can be solved, I can sit there until the danger passes.

2. When I'm met with kindness and goodness and utter happiness, I cry. I want to cry when someone is gracious, forgiving, and understanding. I cry when someone shows me they love me more than I expected. I cry when good things. I never think good things should happen to me.

3. I spent so so SO much time and actual effort as a teenager trying to be DiFfErEnT. I loved to hear that I wasn't like other “girls”, “Samoans”, “people your age”, “people from South Auckland”, or any other identifier which I thought were lesser. It's only years later that I see that I had internalised so much sexism, racism, classism, and fatphobia (thanks internet cos no one in my real life taught me any of that lol). I loved to be complemented by being told that I surprise people, that I don't fit into the stereotypes someone had assumed of me. There's a term I've come across and would like to delve more into - respectability politics. Respectability politics is the expectation/social pressure put on individuals from marginalised groups* *(an idea I want to explore in another piece) to behave not only differently but better than the specific ways their group looks/behaves normally. Well that was an overly simply and perhaps inaccurate summation, and there are a lot of smarter analysis that political/social science/critical thinking writers have done that explore the wider social motivations behind this idea.

For me, I wanted white boys to fall in love with me.

4. I have a favourite ex that I like to talk about to anyone who wants to hear about my short-lived and not-at-all-whirlwind romance. Ours was a steady and sure love that I felt so safe and happy in. And when I talk about him to others, I begin to romanticise and miss him. Then I make a quick pro con list and force myself to remember that he was also flaky, kept big life secrets from me that affected our relationship, and he never really saw a future with me. That pops my What If bubble real quick and I'm able to land at a peaceful middle where I'm utterly grateful to have met and been in love with him, and glad that it ended when it did.