I am so terrified about not being absolutely amazing at everything I do.
I'm pretty sure I've said that in a previous blog post but I'm too scared to re-read any of them in case I don't love them. Then I'll feel like a useless failure.
And I feel dumb for putting too much pressure on myself about this blog, which I titled "Drafts" in the spirit of the mess and imperfection of stream of consciousness blog posting.
I caught up with a friend over a foodcourt dinner and coffee (iced) and he reminded me that I truly have the skills, ideas, and an imperitive to write.
Nothing I do stems from a place of self-acceptance and self-compassion. I'm usually motivated by fear and obligation and when it comes to... er, life. But with writing, those two things just aren't cutting it anymore.
I run away from writing projects and assignments and I don't feel like there's any real need for me to write. I give into the fear and I lose a sense of obligation.
My friend reminded me that I have a very specific voice and specific perspective that actually makes for compelling writing. Maybe not in these blog posts, but there are things that I want to write about, that will add value into other people's lives.
I want to pull away from the rigidity of perfection on the one hand, and everything else that's trash on the other.
I know how my fear of failure is tied to my childhood anxieties and expereinces, I just don't know how to move passed it.
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