Relatable and not cute

Of the three common taboos (death, sex, and money), money for me is the most awkward (at best) and shameful (at worst/usual) topic.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing not knowing how much I'm being paid compared to my colleagues. I feel that I'm underpaid. I don't know the stats and figures and trends, it's just an educated guess.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing lying to friends about being too busy to hang out because the proposed plans are too expensive (a $4.90 coffee counts as too expensive most days).

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing when the first Happy Birthday text I recieve is from Moola and I remember every other short-term loan and debt collector I owe money to.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing asking parents or friends to borrow money. I know I'm borrowing money from people who aren't giving from a comfortable pool of savings or excess dispoable income. We are the struggling helping the struggling.

It is my New Year's resolution to save $500. An amount I find anxiety inducing to tell people. I worry that this is a small inconsequential amount to them and they are judging me for making the bar so low.

I also worry that this amount is too high and they can't imagine putting that amount of money aside over 12 months due to their low income and high living costs.

I don't want to make someone else feel ashamed for how little money they have. I don't want them to feel the same way I do when friends so casually talk about how spending $800 on return flights is such a great price and I pretend that the reason I'm not tagging along is simply out of lack of interest.

I want to be better with money.

I want to take steps so that money is less awkward/anxiety inducing.

I am taking steps.