Relatable and not cute

Of the three common taboos (death, sex, and money), money for me is the most awkward (at best) and shameful (at worst/usual) topic.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing not knowing how much I'm being paid compared to my colleagues. I feel that I'm underpaid. I don't know the stats and figures and trends, it's just an educated guess.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing lying to friends about being too busy to hang out because the proposed plans are too expensive (a $4.90 coffee counts as too expensive most days).

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing when the first Happy Birthday text I recieve is from Moola and I remember every other short-term loan and debt collector I owe money to.

It's awkward/deeply anxiety inducing asking parents or friends to borrow money. I know I'm borrowing money from people who aren't giving from a comfortable pool of savings or excess dispoable income. We are the struggling helping the struggling.

It is my New Year's resolution to save $500. An amount I find anxiety inducing to tell people. I worry that this is a small inconsequential amount to them and they are judging me for making the bar so low.

I also worry that this amount is too high and they can't imagine putting that amount of money aside over 12 months due to their low income and high living costs.

I don't want to make someone else feel ashamed for how little money they have. I don't want them to feel the same way I do when friends so casually talk about how spending $800 on return flights is such a great price and I pretend that the reason I'm not tagging along is simply out of lack of interest.

I want to be better with money.

I want to take steps so that money is less awkward/anxiety inducing.

I am taking steps.

Just Some Thoughts 003

1. I'm am endlessly grateful to my dad for prioritising touch typing as a skill I had to learn as a child. He would make me take typing tests and exercises and would monitor my words per minute. I found it so tedious and weird that he was so obsessed with this skill that was only given cursory consideration by my teachers. Thank. you. father.

2. I'm trying to be better with money and boy oh boy is it a journey. I'm currently on my 6th attempt of a budget, tweaking expense lines, being a bit more honest about where my money is going, and extending the time frame to a year, to see a wider context of my future spending. But man, the first crucial and painful step, is simply to look at my previous spending. Just looking at it, really looking at it... hurts. But to solve the problem we must see the problem as clearly as possible. And looking at all the mindless food and uber spending. Well. It's not pretty. But it's a start.

3. I was looking after my niece the other day and there was a distinct moment where I was looking at her and I felt an overwhelming sense of an indescribable s o m e t h i n g. And I thought, oh dear, is this how this begins? I love taking care of my sisters' children and have zero interest in having my own children. I am though, interested in becoming a step mother.