I'm trying to write about my recent visit to Samoa.
I'm trying to write about the feeling of returning home but also feeling like a foreigner and a tourist, looking at Samoa as an outsider.
I'm trying to write about feeling nostalgic for a place I don't recognise anymore.
I'm trying to write about I've thought of Samoa as home but when someone asked me, where are you from? I answered, New Zealand.
I'm trying to write about how I feel like I belong in Samoa, without having to prove anything, but also that in order to feel like Samoa is home properly, I have to give, serve, tautua.
I want to give, I want to go back, I want Samoa to be familiar again.
I want to know Samoa and I want Samoa to know me too.
I'm trying to write all of this... so here is my brainstorm.
Any ideas of how to reconnect? I feel this too. Even outside of Samoa I still feel disconnected. It feels like a huge part of my soul is missing and I feel I have no claim to my roots because I have nothing in my life which results in me giving, serving or tautua to Samoa. How can someone without money, a position of power or just downright a Mum of one living in Lower Hutt possibly give to make an impact or give to feel the gap in her heart has been bridged?
ReplyDeleteOk that was 100% too much public self loathing for my conscience to bear. If you have any ideas let me know but at the same time, I'm actively going to look.
Something my mum says, is that your family is your community. She was saying in the context of my sister filling out an application form that asked what her "Pacific community connections" are. And for mum, that's your family - your parents, siblings, and anyone else who you are family to.
ReplyDeleteI think you already give a lot to your family - you already tautua a lot.
The gap in your heart tho... that's a biggie... idk if it's any comfort... but that feeling of alienation and disconnection is just be another part of being Samoan. It's part of your Samoan-ness. It doesn't make you less Samoa, make you belong less.
Learning family history I find helps... but that's a pretty privileged thing to have and I know it's not accessible for everyone....
In conclusion I have no comforting words or even helpful ones....
I love you xx