Some Thoughts 005

1. I want to start to forgive myself. Whenever I read an old blog post, or see a social media post for x years ago, I cringe and hate my old (younger) self. I become so ashamed about how ignorant I was. I was too eager, too blind, too sure, too everything. I find it hard to even read over some thoughts I used to have. But when I'm hating on younger Laura, I'm also hating on current Laura. Because although I'm not the same person I was, that person is still a part of me. And I need to forgive them for being who they were with the information they had at the time. I need to forgive myself. Because the alternative, what I'm currently doing, is not helping me grow. 

2. Suicide is a thing I want to read more about. Not how to commit it (although I do have some days where I wish for it), but the wider social patterns regarding it. I want to read stats, and person stories, and "suicide prevention" guides, and words from academics, faith leaders, politicians, and people who've lost a loved one/s. I want to paint a bigger picture that's beyond my own dark thoughts.

3. Lately I've been enjoying readings people's #AppreciationPosts on social media. I used to read them and roll my eyes at the wall of text accompanying a photo, thinking that people are so desperate to project a life worth envying that they show off the markers of a happy life while actually feeling deeply discontent and insecure about their lives. Maybe that's the case, maybe it's not. But feeling that way about them ruins my life and my day. So instead, I read with the lens that people are so overwhelmed with genuine gratitude that even after expressing their appreciate with the people around them (incl. the ones they may be grateful for), they still feel a burning desire to share it online. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But it makes for a more enjoyable scrolling time for me.