I would like to write more fiction

 I like the idea of being a fiction writer. I don't know if I have a story in me worth telling, but I like the idea of playing around with fictional characters in fictional places (or at least, fictional version of places) doing random little things, saying words I put in their mouths, and pulling the strings so that everyone's lives goes exactly as I've planned it.

Although, judging from the run-on sentence I just wrote, I don't know how good it'll be.

Maybe I don't wait for NaNoWriMo.

Maybe I just start randomly planning and writing now.

Hmmm....

Click Clack

I love the sound of my keyboard buttons when I tap tap tap away on it 

I love the clickity clackity sound

The tick tick tick 

The tack tack tack

The rhythm of it makes me want to keep typing

I had nothing to write about but I wanted to keep hearing the sound

I love that my dad made me do typing exercises when I got home from school

I thought it was so random to make a child learn to touch type when it wasn't something that was graded at school

But here I am, decades later, so grateful that I can type without looking at the keyboard

I make a lot of mistakes and I use the backspace button a lot

But typing is so fun

And I get to enjoy the tap tap tap

The clickity clack

The tick tick tick

And the tack tack tack

When the news is just a comment section

Most of my current affairs updates thus far are from IG stories and the TikTok FYP. So I'm trying to get into the habit of reading the news so I can access qualified journalists writing for media platforms that are credible and stuff.

Then I come across an article that's credited to two people that just reads like a comment section: 'We get distracted at home': Wellington debates pros and cons of WFH | RNZ News

The whole article is just - here are some people with opinions on the thing:

1. Former dentist Julie Towarek reckons there's "nothing wrong with it [doing chores on the clock], but you know, let's face it."
2. IT worker Aaron Eldridge reckons some people take the piss and some people do better from work and he's a "really big advocate for mental health". Really big.
3. An unnamed woman saves around $350 a fortnight since she can WFH.
4. Jacinta Harrop prefers the office but she knows others prefer home.

Four people have opinions - that's the whole article.

No contextual information. 

No data or statistics.

No expert opinion or analysis.

Just reckons.

Coolcoolcool.

Moments my students care for me

1. When they leave sweet messages on the whiteboard to say hi and that they appreciate me

2. When they pull goofy little faces and jokes to make me laugh

3. When I fell off my chair and instead of bursting out laughing, they immediately expressed concern and wouldn't move on until they were 100% sure I was alright 

4. When I tell them I'm having a bad day so my patience and capacity is low, and they are more subdued than normal for my sake

5. When they greet me by screaming and running to me for a hug

6. When they complain about a decision I've made, then listen to my reasoning, then say, "oh, yeah, okay nevermind"

7. When they bring me little snacks and just say, "here, Miss!"

8. When I'm walking through school and they offer to carry my things

9. When they tell me to take care of my mental health

10. When I apologise to them for snapping or reacting angrily at them and they say, "oh no Miss, we were being naughty!"

What if I just started writing again lol

 When I meet up with friends who I have not seen in months or years, they ask me how my writing is going.

I'm always taken aback because writing has taken such a backburner on my life, that I forget it was a thing I used to do.

I read old articles and blog posts and I feel so removed from that girl.

Did I... write?

Could I... write again?

What if it was just this? 

No depth, no nuance, no epiphanies.

What if I just wrote.

Not Nanowrimo

 I won't be writing a novel this month, but I'll be writing. 

Practice Makes Better

I started this blog in the spirit of uploading unfinished drafts. The point was to let go of perfection in favour of progress. It was supposed to add momentum to my writing - the refining will come later, much later. Just. Write.

But of course, even in a blog called "Drafts" I have 29 unpublished drafts that I can't bring myself to post. They're just not good.

As soon as I shared this blog with friends and instagram, I began treating this blog like a messy bun on pinterest - a cute and curated thing pretending to be effortless so that you think if my minimal effort writing is good, then my edited stuff must be amazing!

I want people to think I'm amazing. I'm scared of you thinking I'm bad, or worse, ~ okay ~.

But I want move past this fear.

I've handed in my resignation at work and I'm going to become a high school teacher (if I can land a job by next year...).

I don't completely understand what I'm getting myself into, but I do have at least one hope - I want my future students to love learning. I want them to feel the joy of understanding something. I want them to question, find answers, then find more questions. I want them to be okay with not knowing, not knowing how to know, and not understanding things straight away.

Not understanding them for a while.

I want them to forgive themselves for failing.

I want them to differentiate between guilt and shame. I want them to respond to guilt, and remove shame.

And to help my students work through those things, I need to accept them for myself.

I want to experience this advice so that when they do not want to do it, or struggle, or give up, or come back and give up again, I know that it's a very difficult thing I'm asking of them. Necessary, but difficult. Leading by example is not a glamorous walk along the pedestal, it's Jesus carrying his cross. (I used to be a Christian, so this imagery really sticks in my head).

Michelle Johansson said that students - young brown scholars - will look into your eyes and know if you are lying. And I don't want to lie to them.

So I will ask questions, find answers, and ask more questions.

I will learn to be okay with not knowing, not knowing how to know, and not understanding things straight away.

Not understanding them for a while.

I am learning to differentiate guilt and shame. I want to respond to guilt, and remove shame.

I want to grow so that I am able to teach what I've learned. But I also know that my future students have so much to teach me too. 

I want to grow so I am able to learn from them.