Practice Makes Better

I started this blog in the spirit of uploading unfinished drafts. The point was to let go of perfection in favour of progress. It was supposed to add momentum to my writing - the refining will come later, much later. Just. Write.

But of course, even in a blog called "Drafts" I have 29 unpublished drafts that I can't bring myself to post. They're just not good.

As soon as I shared this blog with friends and instagram, I began treating this blog like a messy bun on pinterest - a cute and curated thing pretending to be effortless so that you think if my minimal effort writing is good, then my edited stuff must be amazing!

I want people to think I'm amazing. I'm scared of you thinking I'm bad, or worse, ~ okay ~.

But I want move past this fear.

I've handed in my resignation at work and I'm going to become a high school teacher (if I can land a job by next year...).

I don't completely understand what I'm getting myself into, but I do have at least one hope - I want my future students to love learning. I want them to feel the joy of understanding something. I want them to question, find answers, then find more questions. I want them to be okay with not knowing, not knowing how to know, and not understanding things straight away.

Not understanding them for a while.

I want them to forgive themselves for failing.

I want them to differentiate between guilt and shame. I want them to respond to guilt, and remove shame.

And to help my students work through those things, I need to accept them for myself.

I want to experience this advice so that when they do not want to do it, or struggle, or give up, or come back and give up again, I know that it's a very difficult thing I'm asking of them. Necessary, but difficult. Leading by example is not a glamorous walk along the pedestal, it's Jesus carrying his cross. (I used to be a Christian, so this imagery really sticks in my head).

Michelle Johansson said that students - young brown scholars - will look into your eyes and know if you are lying. And I don't want to lie to them.

So I will ask questions, find answers, and ask more questions.

I will learn to be okay with not knowing, not knowing how to know, and not understanding things straight away.

Not understanding them for a while.

I am learning to differentiate guilt and shame. I want to respond to guilt, and remove shame.

I want to grow so that I am able to teach what I've learned. But I also know that my future students have so much to teach me too. 

I want to grow so I am able to learn from them.