If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.
I've loved Taylor Swift since I was about 13. I remember being so excited to turn 15 so I can sing Fifteen and really feel it.
Her CDs were treasures. Fearless was a present from my brother, Speak Now was a present from a friend, Red was a present from a boyfriend, and buying 1989 felt like coming-of-age experience. I streamed Reputation and Lover (rip cds)
I'm trying to put my thoughts into words but it's actually so hard to talk about my love for Taylor Swift.
But watching Miss Americana showed me that I don't actually love Taylor Swift, the person. I don't... can't know her. I don't even think I like Taylor Swift, the celebrity persona (I don't care for her social media, interviews, or pretty much anything she does outside of her music...). What I love, what keeps me coming back to her music year after year, is how her music makes me feel about myself, my life, my emotions, my past, and my hopes.
My love for her is actually a just a love for... me.
When I was a teenager, I had all these repressed and unrequited emotions and listening to Taylor felt like a release. It was like I was living vicariously through her. She sang out loud all the emotions I told myself I was stupid for feeling.
When older people would scoff at the pathetic or childish subject matters of her songs, when they roll their eyes and say (another breakup song?!), I hide the fact that I found comfort in those songs.
Taylor Swift mentions in Miss Americana that it felt like her fans grew up with her. I've returned to Taylor Swift album after album. I always return skeptically. Maybe the new version of her is not for me anymore. I've definitely read articles and interviews from people that make me was to dissociate with Taylor.
But then I eventually listen again. And love it again.
Gorgeous sounds exactly like how having on a crush on someone feels
State of Grace sounds like what hope for a new romance feels like
Long Live is the only other song apart from Graduation (Vitamin C) that epitomises that end of an era with a close circle of close-proximity friends
Enchanted reminds me of the stomach churning nervous hope that follows after I've met someone who I have great instant chemistry - will this be a meet cute or a standalone anecdote?
The Best Day makes me miss my parents and siblings
Mean is song that I can't relate to but is just fun to my ears and my brother and I laugh every time we listen to the bridge.
I saw her live during her RED tour and it was an experience I feel so lucky to have had. I went with my then boyfriend and I got to have my cake and eat it as well - he recorded clips on his phone, allowing me to fully immerse myself into the show, while also having blurry but precious concert footage to look back on.
I felt so old and so brown at the concert. I realised that night that my love for Taylor Swift isn't a part of a web or networks of fans. I wasn't a Swiftie. I'm just a girl, sitting in her room, and listening to Taylor Swift and feeling her feelings.
I didn't want to be in a fanbase, I didn't want to be in a crowd.
I tried to shut the crowd out and enjoy the show like it was just her and I and my boyfriend in the (massive) room. It felt truly magical to slow dance and make out while she was singing Begin Again.
Being a celebrity looks like a deeply dehumanising experience and I can never tell who is enjoying the ride and who is tolerating it to make art and connect with audiences (maybe it's both??).
I resent/envy their luxuries and I don't understand their struggle.
Was Miss Americana a step towards humanising Taylor? Are we meant to feel closer to her after watching it?
I was surprised to find that apart from the subject matters in her songs, I related to how she used to hold up being good and nice as the pillars of her moral compass and worldview.
A nice girl smiles and waves and says thank you. A nice girl doesn’t make people feel uncomfortable with her views
She's moved (moving?) past that now. I'm also trying to break that deeply held view that I've built my whole personality on.
And again, something else Taylor Swift did/made is just a tool for me to look at myself more, not her.
Am I narcissistic? Is her art just a fitting mirror for me?
I don't know. I just know who Spotify will tell me is my number one artist for 2020.
